Psychiatric Health Clinics

Look, if you want the straight dope about our competition, here it is. The boys working on the secrets of the mind down the block are real shady. If you go to them, we can’t guarantee anything at all about what kind of psychological consequences there might be. Once we saw them mixing heroin with snake blood, injecting it into a patient, and watching that patient jump in the air and literally explode on the side walk. I asked them why they did it and they said, “for the lulz”. They used the profit from the drug deal to hire BeyoncĂ© for an afternoon to clean the sidewalk. When she was finished, as a gesture of thanks, they gave her a vial of orange powder as she walked away. I don’t have any idea what was in the powder – I couldn’t follow the conversation, as I was far away and using binoculars – but one further detail may indeed be relevant to the story. The very next day rumours started to surface on the internet that BeyoncĂ© had worms growing out of her head. So as casually as I could, I sauntered over to the boys responsible and I caught them huddled around the computer, snickering about more “lulz” and reading the Daily Inquirer online. As soon as I came up behind them, one of them saw me and instantly changed the screen to a bland medical website, then, in a bit of a flustered voice, greeted me hello.

Point being, the farther away you stay from our friends at the psychiatric ward (ahem) up the road, the safer you’ll be. The word on the street is that they’ve got their hands on a new psychoactive drug that can have hugely beneficial effects on a patient’s mental life and outlook. True or not, it wouldn’t be worth the risk.

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