Depression Assistance

We know you. You’re the kind of person who doesn’t do things by half measures. You’re depressed, but you’re angry because you’re not depressed enough. You poor thing. Come to us, and we’ll make it all better. Or worse. Whatever floats your boat, my dear, our kindly help is on the way, and if you’re keen, we’ll even destroy your ways of thinking while we’re at it. Our commitment to sabotaging your brain is total and irrevocable. Don’t go to those other clinics that will give you the cheap, diluted stuff.

At our place, we’ll hit you hardest with the good stuff, and soon depression will be the least of your worries. Truth be told, you won’t even have any worries. Two or three trips to our little drug store and you’ll be drooling in agony in our alleyway, begging for it to stop. But it doesn’t stop. That’s how we roll. Getting some big time help is one of our major services, setting us apart from the garden variety guidance centres across the country. Imagine us in the role of Dracula, but instead of blood we simply suck the joy out of everything until it is bone dry.

Our fees for this service are quite reasonable, and you can see testimony to our effectiveness among the human waste crawling around the city and moaning. These are our success stories, writ large. Just another confirmation of the old maxim that if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing well. And we are simply the best at wrecking the lives of our clients. We do things to them that the DSM-IV hasn’t even heard of yet, things that would send psychologists to their rooms, sucking their thumbs in a frenzy if they ever knew about, or could even contemplate.

We accept payment by cash or credit card.