Crisp, Effective Thinking

Mental health is an elusive concept. We all know what we imagine it to mean, but defining it is a positively thorny issue. We all have an ideal mental state in mind… but are all of our ideals alike? And even if they are alike, are they the right one? It would hardly be the first issue we’ve ever gotten collectively wrong. And nor is this an idle question either, for no matter what your politics or where you stand on the big issues of the day, it probably seems to you that at least 90% of the world is stark raving mad. If you are indeed one of the sane ones, you would be much better equipped to fight the madness if you could show such a fact objectively. And if you’re not of the sane ones, a definitive scale of madness versus sanity would show you the road to recovery in bright, shining colours.

Fortunately, we have begun to take baby steps in the right direction towards making a final definition of good sanity. Our team of egghead scientists have converged on three words which they feel form the core of any sound mind: Crisp, effective thinking. Building upon this foundation of ideas will take decades if not centuries, especially if our scientists continue at the glacial pace at which they began. But already the yields from such a discovery are tremendous – financial yields, that is, and not just philosophical or intellectual. You see, our mathematicians have discovered a simple formula by which they have proven that a bag of Chee-tos can, if consumed quickly enough, lead the patient almost directly toward these ideas. As it happens, we have a special on Chee-tos at our behind-the-dumpster store, plus we sell other products which have been known to induce a phenomenon called “the munchies”, enabling our clients to develop a necessary hunger for this miracle comestible.

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