Assistance With Depression

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It’s no sin to be depressed. Thinking otherwise only adds to the problem, and creates an infinite recursion loop which can only end in the destruction of the universe. We must, of course, take care to avoid sparking such dangerous loops – with one exception. That exception is a positive infinite recursion loop rather than a negative one. If there is any way that we can sweep the universe up into a glorious, ever-increasing state of joy, it would behoove us to do exactly that. But there is a problem: You are depressed right now; otherwise you wouldn’t be looking here. Sad people are not the best candidates for creating positive feedback loops stretching to infinity. They might make a mistake, and doom us all with their gloomy outlook. Therefore we must increase your mind first by giving you some real, genuine guidance.

Biology teaches us that we are all nothing else but interactions of chemicals, and so your state of mind must also therefore depend on these molecules, their relative amounts and, properties and how they get along with each other. Our in-house scanners can tell you which elements you’re missing out on, and top you up, getting you in perfect shape to be super crazy-happy. More often than not, our scanners will tell you that you need a particular drug which can coincidentally be found only at our own location. We’re score you some of that loveliness and you’ll be on the road to heaven before you know it, and ready to send the galaxies spinning with your own ultra-ecstatic love machine grooviness. We do our part on the treatment side of things, and once you’ve got the help that you really need, we know you’ll do yours, and we’ll all live happily ever after in a vortex of sweetness.

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